My brain is all jumbled up these days. All messed up with memories I had let go, things happening around, things going to happen, things happened and yet unforgotten, and my Conscience. My thoughts and My Conscience take up most of my brain, my thinking time, my living time.
Am not with company most of the times. I am not anti social by choice. I became one, and I am one. I talk. I talk to who so ever wants to, has time to. I don't compel anyone to talk. Sometimes I wonder why would anyone like to talk to me in the first place. Am just any another face in the crowd, nothing significant to me. Just another soul trying to find meaning to life, trying to find significance in life, trying to find purpose of existence, trying to find reason to live, feel needed.
Probably the best thing that gives us a high is being Needed. The realization that you may have it in you to bring a change, influence, either on the lives of an individual, individuals, an organization, an association or an nation. Being wanted gives some value to life.
I always say life is no Experiment. But I live mine as one. I live to Experience. Once I was so much disillusioned, that didn't knew why was I existing; and if this is the way life is meant to be, has always been, if this is called life, it ain't happening. It was a silent resolve then to live each day. Not just be a mere spectator and let circumstances guide your day. Make a Day. And even if you don't plan it, enjoy each moment, coz you never know what happiness might be hidden in the moment and moment next to it.
Things are sometimes destined to be. Hidden are the ways of the Lord. Sometimes the insignificant and most usual of the days end up being the most memorable day of life. Days when you achieve something by accident, when you are not at it, still had harbored the desire somewhere, and out of the blue the Lord conspires to surprise you. Give you what you thought of doing, making you do it without even realizing that the entire time your actions were leading you to something you hadn't expected to find at the end of the tunnel, not this tunnel at least.
My thoughts, take me closer to understanding me at times; understanding you at times; understanding things which didn't look obvious at first, understanding and evaluating my actions and thoughts; yes even evaluating my own thoughts, i.e. why do i think this ways? why do i approach this issue this ways? makes me understand myself, the flaws in me, in helping me realize how I could I be better, a better being, who can meet eyes with the Lord and say Yes, I have been good. I have been true. I was upto no malice and lived it through like no experiment, but understanding and always awed and amazed at the creations of the Lord. His impeccable planning, so flawless, the plot so fine, me like an actor so deeply into her role - her soul, learning the wisdom of the world.
Enjoy the nature's beauty. I sometimes miss having not got to see the beautiful mountains, the waterfalls, the rivers, the bridges, the sea, the snow, the sand, the harvest, the life in the wilderness. I have seen it on television, on Nat Geo, on Discovery, but cudn't smell it, cudn't feel the breeze, cudn't feel the thrill, the sounds. I saw it all though. I don't have the luxury to enjoy it. well i have said it, even enjoying the free things of life, the beauty of nature is a luxury today. Its called wasting time and money by my folks, activity idle or rich people indulge in. Better invest in healthy eating and procuring things which would make life easier. Invest!!. Invest to have a good old age. But I wanna see the world. The things that come free; are pure and beautiful. And marvel at the purity of life; even the pure creations of man.
Simple beautiful things are in my backyard too. The birds chirping there, the peacocks which happen to be there at times, the birds which are new, the greens, the growth, the life bubbling in there, the squirrels, the lizards and the toads. The honey bees and the butterflies. They are beautiful creations of Lord too. My friend said once that I am living a life of compromise, that too at this young age!!. But I approach life differently. I don't have it, but still I make the best of what I have, I realise the worth of what I have, instead of wanting more.
Truthfully speaking my mind is overflowing with thoughts, things I do, and things I want to do; things I want to do and can and things which I want to do and can't do. Things I feel and I deny. Things I feel and accept too. Things I don't feel and am supposed to. Memories. Imaginations. Illusions and delusions. The mystical world of the human brain, its potentials overwhelm me and scare me.
